Statement from Commissioner Goodell 2.0:
For Immediate Release: I fucking hate the Cowboys so don't get confused by this SI cover. The Cowboys and their fans are arguably as bad as the Raiders, running around yelling "dEm BoYz" like the bitch ass clowns they are. Just a note for all you parents out there, don't get your kids any cowboys gear - it's a choking hazard. ZING. I do like Pollard, though, because he's showing all the Cowboy fans that Zeke is washed and overpaid.
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Anyways, Another week down and it's late Wednesday night (update: now Thursday morning). First off, Happy Thanksgiving to all you fuck boys, not including my father, hope you feel better soon. The last three weeks are finally here, which means I'm counting down until these recaps end but the playoff competition is still hot and heavy. Wish I was there but no excuses, play like a champion and my team is full of bitches.
Let's get right into it.
WEEK 11 PAYOUT WINNER - PURSUIT DRILL
Commish, WAS Defense
Consolation prize for myself here. It ain't much, but it's honest work. Shoutout to me for making a last-minute pickup with Washington's defense that absolutely dominated Houston. This is probably the most boring weekly payout to win but $20 is $20. Justin knows all about that.
START OF THE WEEK
Nick, Jimmy Garrapollo - 25.42pts
Nick had to pivot off Kyler Murray as he was nursing a hamstring injury and playing too much Call of Duty. Remember when the Cardinals put that clause in his contract to make sure he studied a certain amount of hours per week? I wonder who he's paying to sit on his iPad and watch game film right now. Jimmy G had his best game in who knows how long, throwing four TD's, as many as Zach Wilson has thrown all year. While Nick didn't catch the win, his QB streaming choice was a solid option.
BLUNDER OF THE WEEK
Nick, Kyle Pitts - 7.30pts
I've been waiting forever to put Pitts on this list. I could have done this multiple weeks ago but it never came to fruition. While Pitts isn't a true blunder this week because he actually scored a few points, his entire 2022 season has been a blunder. As an owner of Pitts in a different league, I get it, it's hard not to start a high draft pick because each week he has the potential to break out but that offense just refuses to get the ball to him. He's currently ranked 20th in fantasy points per game for TE. He's a liability to start every week and you're better off streaming other TE's. Nick, your season is over but Pitts can no longer hurt you.
GAME-CHANGING PLAY OF THE WEEK
Cordarelle Patterson Kickoff Return TD
While this didn't change the outcome of the fantasy matchup, Cordarelle did break the NFL record for most kickoff returns in a career last week, helping the Falcons sneak a win against the Bears. We haven't seen a guy like this since Devin Hester. The weird thing going into this game was that Patterson wasn't even listed as an RB on the Falcons depth chart, just as a return man. I'm unsure why the Falcons don't use this stud like they did in the first half of 2021 because he was electric.
WEEK 12 POWER RANKINGS
1) Mac & Chase -- : Locked up his playoff spot. Officially.
2) LBJ = GOAT -- : Still leading the South, until he loses to Commish this week.
3) Me & Mahomies▲1 : Big comeback win with the softest remaining schedule.
4) Mile High Magic ▼1 : Back-to-back loses, now in danger of missing playoffs.
5) Just Do It -- : Rattled off three straight wins after claiming his season was over.
6) Oh Goed-ert Hurts -- : Four straight wins. Still think he's a pretender over contender.
7) Pay Me ▲1 : Just outside of the playoff picture by 28pts.
8) upHill Battle ▼1 : Has fallen out of the playoff watch, needs a win to keep the hopes alive.
9) Romo's Rebuilders -- : Dead.
10) Goodell 2.0 -- : Dead
MATCH-UP FOR WEEK 12
Ryan (6-5) vs Probst (5-6)
With three weeks to go, both Ryans are looking to claim one of the five coveted playoff spots remaining. I'd give odds to Probst to win this week has his team has sneakily ripped off a couple straight wins.
4-1 last week. No surprise that Nathan's shitty team got smoked and kept me from being 5-0. 26-24 overall now.
Commish vs. Nathan: Nathan
Spencer vs. Justin: Justin
Probst vs. Ryan: Probst
Jared vs. Jere: Jared
Nick vs. Worzie: Worzie
WEEKLY POLLS
Who wins the weekly matchup?
- Ryan (6-5)
- Probst (5-6)
Life on the line, who would you choose to complete a pass on 4th down?
- Zach Wilson
- Drew Lock
- Doesn't matter, I'm dead either way.
WEEK 12 WEEKLY PAYOUT
Touchdown Jerry Rice! - The team with the most offensive touchdowns scored
Unfortunately, about five of us look at this payout and know there is zero fucking chance we win this, and you all know who you are. I'm definitely not one of those five because I'm going back-to-back bitches. Taking down a second straight payout and slowly make my money back. Good luck and Happy Thanksgiving to everyone, except you Nathan. Thanks for XXXXXXX XX XXXX and giving me xxxxx xxxx xxxxxxxxx. I'm going to smoke you this week and end any chance of you winning the South division you fucking nerd. Bolt up.