YEAR EIGHT IS UPON US.
Enough already. My email inbox is overwhelmed, I'm sitting on nearly 250 unread text messages and 52 missed calls. Gentlemen, we are heading into year eight, I would have assumed you would all know the drill by now. As commissioner, I deserve a well-earned break after winning another Commissioner of The Year award. It's a simple ask, please refrain from reaching out when I'm sipping my skinny margarita (always shaken, never stirred), poolside at the five-star resorts. Yes, I know what you all are reaching out for. How do I know? Because it's my job to know. I'd love to say league ratings are through the roof, as they have been since our inaugural year, but we got fucking crushed last year. Changes must be made, and as your fearless leader, and x7 Commissioner of The Year, I made changes. I fired my Board of Directors and the PR team. I fired my agent who couldn't even get a private jet included in my contract extension. Those were all easy decisions. There was some collateral damage that had to be done, and this was tough because my team owner retention rate was flawless, until now. Earlier this year I had to fire Papa Henderson. Yes, he is my father. Yes, he is the only 2x Champion. Yes, he was the most active person on the waiver wire. But ratings were down, and we needed to create some excitement again. Rumors are saying that he resigned, I'm here to tell you those are false, no person in their right mind would walk away from The League. He was canned, fired, cut, dismissed, let go, killed off, whatever term you want to use. But let's make it clear, I made the decision, not him. Why? Ratings. Our league has more coverage than ever before, you're welcome.
While we're at it, let's discuss some other changes happening in the league for year eight.
WELCOME, JON KOLIN
Since firing my father from the league, we had an open position available. As you could imagine, this wasn't an easy task as I had millions of people submit their resumes, cover letters, LinkedIn profiles. Truthfully, the person I selected wasn't even in the top half of qualified candidates. But, that's what made me realize this league wasn't created for ready-made top players. When I started this league, I took nine bums along for the ride who barely knew anything about the game, and I built this into the Sistine Chapel. That's exactly why Jon belongs here, to teach him what I've taught all of you since day one. Welcome to the fucking show, Jon. First piece of advice, don't give advice. Your words are merely nails on a chalk board to my ears, please don't interrupt the beautiful bells of the Sistine Chapel. You're a caddy, just show up, keep up and shut up.
WEEKLY EXTRA GAME
After many nights of burning the midnight oil doing research, a decision has been made. Moving forward we will be adding the Weekly Extra Game into The League. This goes against many of my fantasy football philosophies but applies to the most important one, getting the six best teams into the playoffs. For those unfamiliar, this means that each week you will still play your head-to-head matchup, but you'll also be playing against the rest of the league each week. The top five team point scorers will get an additional win, while the bottom five will get an additional loss. What does this ultimately create? Great question, it creates weekly excitement as you'll start caring about everyone else's scores each week. It also provides some bad luck protection, if you score 160pts and lose to someone that scored 165pts, you'll almost certainly get a win and go 1-1 for the week instead of 2-0. It applies the other way as well, if you score 95pts and get a win, you'll probably still end up 1-1 for the week as you probably won't crack the top five scoring. Lastly, this will create opportunity for teams to catchup and make late season runs into the playoffs.
KEEPERS
A reminder that keepers are due tomorrow by 12pm. We call that noon for some of you who don't understand how time works. Where can you find your keepers? Right in the Sleeper mobile app. But because I don't want to chase people down, here is the list of potential keepers below. I highlighted the projected keepers for everyone.
The resolution on this picture sucks. I don't take fault for that, nor the responsibility on accuracy of the data below. Cheeno said he takes responsibility for it. Just to clear that up.
2024 WEEKLY PAYOUTS
WEEK 1: Chicks Dig the Long Ball - Team with the QB with the longest pass
WEEK 2: Best Loser - Team that loses their weekly matchup with the highest point total
WEEK 3: Run Forrest Run! - Team with the RB with the most combined rushing and receiving yards
WEEK 4: Sweet 16 - Team with any starting TE that finished closest to 16 total points (over or under)
WEEK 5: The Bye Week - Team that wins with the biggest points margin of victory
WEEK 6: MVP - Team with the single highest scoring starter
WEEK 7: Blackjack - Team with a starter closest to 21 points without going over
WEEK 8: North vs South Rivalry Week - Team that scores the highest points in their division AND wins their weekly matchup. Pays $20 to both the North and South team
WEEK 9: Gotta Catch ‘Em All - Team with the starting WR with the most receptions
WEEK 10: Pursuit Drill - Team that has the defense with the most combined interceptions, fumbles and sacks
WEEK 11: Touchdown Jerry Rice! - The team with the most offensive touchdowns scored WEEK 12: Over Achiever - Team with most points over their weekly projection
WEEK 13: Right on the Money - Team closest to their projected point total (over OR under)
WEEK 14: Photo Finish - Team that beats its opponent by the smallest margin of victory
Should there be any ties, the people who tied can agree to split the cash or find a different way to declare a winner.
Draft day is coming up! Tuesday at 8:30pm. I look forward to doing my annual draft recap where I correctly guess who will outperform their ADP and which draft picks were terrible choices. Bolt up, bitches.
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