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2021 Week 5 Recap

The Monday Scaries. It's always uncomfortable going into a MNF matchup when you have a lead but the opponent is sitting on a player or two yet to play. That was the case for me. Having passed out before the end of SNF I felt good about my week. Comfortably in the lead with Beasley still playing the second half in what I anticipated to be a shootout. I woke up at roughly 2am and took a quick peek at my phone to see this gif from Nick in my texts.

So, I took an ol' peekskie at the lineup to see Beasley had let me down. Again. A solid 1.5pts from the guy. Beasley has a better chance of catching COVID than a fucking pass right now. For a guy who had 30 combined targets in the first three weeks, four targets in the last two weeks won't cut it.

While I took the loss this week, many others were sitting comfy not worried about their matchups until the 4th quarter of MNF. Lamar almost brought Worzie back from the dead with a 41.88pt performance, only to come up short by less than 5pts. Mark Andrews had himself quite the evening, 11/147/2 for a breezy 41.7pts only to come up less than 7pts short of bringing Probst to his first W this year. I know I wasn't the only one rooting for Lamar to throw it to Andrews on the overtime TD. Lastly, Johnathon Taylor boogied down for 31.9pts to bring Ryan within 7pts of upsetting Jared. Monday night miracles didn't quite hit but it made for an awesome evening of football. Anyways, it's late Wednesday evening so let's get right into this shit.


Jere Henderson, 46.10pts Winning Margin over Justin

Did I call it, or did I fucking call it? Shooters shoot and I don't miss. Listen, I get it, no one wants to be called out by the Commish and it doesn't take Nostradamus to see that mismatch on paper but I'm dripping with confidence right now. So should Papa Henderson because he has now taken home three weekly payouts this year. For those not keen on math, that's $60 or a load of laundry and a bag of Cheetos in California, take your pick.


I took an L this week. That's the fact. But you want to know why? In week 5 I started five caucasian players. Five. I'm not even sure if there is an NFL team that has five white guys rostered on it. I'm not gonna say I did the math, but someone did. No other team started more than two white guys this week. The average number of starting white players this week between all other nine teams combined comes out to be 1.1wd (white dudes) per team. And before some of y'all say I'm racist, this wasn't a choice. All my brothers got hurt. DJ Chark, James White, Jarvis, Carson, and Julio are all spending time on the IR. I know you all don't give a shit about my problems though, one thing you can all agree on is wanting to watch me lose week after week.


Nick, Marqise Brown - 33.50pts

Was it the hardest decision? I mean, no, but it wasn't an easy decision by any means. Hollywood Brown has sneakily been one of the best fantasy receivers this year despite having a running back throwing the ball to him. Just two weeks ago he dropped three legitimate touchdowns when the Ravens played Detroit. Nick's other options? Tyler Boyd who was coming off three weeks of consistent solid performance and Chase Claypool who almost always finds a way to perform when he's on the field. Brown showed out though. This week he slapped on a little extra stick-um because he caught all those fucking passes against me to help Nick get the W.


Ryan, Tom Brady

Ryan is known as the guy who gives the absolute minimum effort towards his fantasy lineup. This is surprising because Nathan is the same fucking person but only makes moves because of injuries. Sometimes I feel like they have a side bet to see who can have the best record while making the least amount of waiver transactions. Imagine if Ryan had a team like Justin or myself where you have more D's in your weekly lineup than a San Francisco bathhouse. But Ryan is a simple man. Don't fix what isn't broken. Unfortunately, by not putting in Tom Brady this week, he cost himself the win and the title of the highest regular-season scorer of all time with 199.39pts. A title so prestigious I am not even sure who currently holds it, but it sounds cool. I personally don't blame Ryan though. I would also be hesitant to start a player who kisses his dad and 12-year-old son on the mouth as a grown adult. Fucking weirdo, but whatever - He's the goat.


The only correct answer here is Probst. This fella cannot catch a break. Having scored an average of 145pts over the last 4 weeks he just can't find a way to win. There is a 4-1 team who has only scored over 145pts once, I won't name names though. Probst is currently on pace to smash the record for the hardest schedule as teams are averaging over 160pts per week against him. To make matters worse, he probably would have won this week if CEH didn't get injured mid-game and finish with 3.9pts. Some seasons are better than others but this is just a kick in the nuts.


1) Romo Return | 4-1 | -

The only team to be over 700pts scored in the North. Now controls the division.

2) Mile High Magic | 3-2 | ▲2

How do you jump up two spots after an L? Lead the league in points scored and have virtually no injuries to your team.

3) Goodell 2.0 | 3-2 | ▼1

Will continue to slip in the rankings if he relies on the gringos to carry him.

4) Strawberry Fields Forever | 3-2 | ▲1

Climbing the ladder but is heavily reliant on two players. Josh Allen and Davante Adams.

5) Lights-Camera-Jackson | 3-2 | ▼1

Has to play the Commish in week 6 so he will inevitably be 3-3 after this week.

6) Big Meaty Calves | 3-2 | -

Might be the best 3-2 team, but looks more like the worst 3-2 team. A win this week would surely jump him in the standings.

7) LBJ = GOAT | 2-3 | ▲1

Getting CMC back soon but plays against Nick 2 of the next 3 weeks.

8) Just Do It | 2-3 | ▼1

Averaging 103.35pts over the last three weeks. Distress signals are blaring.

9) Mahomes Sweet Home | 2-3 | -

Just lost SQB for a few weeks. Fighting from the bottom just got harder.

10) It's A New Day | 0-5 | -

Five weeks in and we have our first team eliminated from the playoffs.


Jere (2-3) vs Ryan (3-2)

Bye weeks are finally here! I've been waiting for this because it forces everyone to get more creative and take risks. Now, some of us have already had to get creative because injuries continue to pile up but nonetheless, bye weeks make fantasy better. I'm taking the underdog this week. Simply, the "hungry dog runs faster" mentality. Ryan is currently beating his opponents by an average of 61.59pts but the bigger they are, the harder they fall.


MVP - Team with the single highest scoring starter.

Would have been a lot cooler if this payout was last week because Herbert was that dude. 42.82pts is a nuts week for a pocket-passing QB. I could sit here and reel off like 10 guys who have a chance at winning it this week but one stands out particularly. Bobby Trees, better known as Robert Woods. Nothing creates more urgency than going to the coach and throwing the hammer down on the table. Bobby let McVay know who the real WR1 was on that team and proceeded to walk out of Seattle with 12 receptions for 150 yards. Welcome to the encore, officially the unofficial top scorer of week 6.

Good luck this week gentlemen, except you Worzie.

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