2025 Week Five Recap

What a week of fantasy! Two teams that caught wins were in the bottom four, bringing them back from the grave. But, I know what everyone wants to discuss: "The commish is dead! The commish is dead!". Boys, did we forget what fantasy really is? I've already locked in my playoff spot, and I'm still sitting on top of the standings at 9-1. 'Tis but a scratch. It's merely a flesh wound. Every great team needs a small step back to refocus.

Your Commish, although slightly bruised from last week, is on pace to be the first 2000-point scorer since 2021, when Ryan amassed 2206pts and Nathan finished with 2019pts. For reference, I am averaging 149pts per week. Ryan averaged 157pts per week in 2021, and somehow went 9-5. Nathan averaged 147pts and went 8-6. Apparently, that year was booming for fantasy points.

Alright, let's go.

WEEK 5 PAYOUT WINNER Right on the Money - Team closest to their projected point total (over OR under)

Spencer, 127.21

Wild shit here. Spencer was not just the closest to his projected point total; the fucking kid hit it right on the number. Down to the hundredth of a decimal point, for the thick-skulls reading this, that means two digits to the RIGHT of the decimal. Not to mention, he did it on the one week of the year where we payout for projected point total. I turned to my good friend Chad (ChatGPT) to see what the odds of that happening are; roughly 1 in 77,000. I would tell Spencer to buy a lottery ticket, but those odds are 1 in 292,000,000. Enjoy your twenty-bucks kid.

FUN STATS OF THE WEEK

To piggyback off Spencer's wild hit. Here are some things that are more likely than what Spencer just did.

1) Dying to a bee sting, roughly 1 in 59,000

2) Flipping a coin and it landing on heads 16x in a row, roughly 1 in 65,500

3) You have better odds of getting a perfect score on the SAT, although I don't believe that to be true for the 10 people in this league.

4) Getting killed by a police officer (as a white male, significantly lower), roughly 1 in 2,500. Even as a female pacific islander, 1 in 50,000. I don't even want to know the odds if the police officer happened to be a Jets fan...

4) Losing two of the first five weeks of fantasy football by less than 2pts, roughly 1 in 600.

5) Lastly, you have better odds of parlaying 8 players to score the first TD in an NFL game. But should Spencer do that with his $20, and hit, it would be a sweet $1.3 million payout.

START OF THE WEEK

Jon, Darren Waller - 18.00pts

To continue with odds, Darren Waller winning SOTW in 2025 has to be somewhere around 1 in 77,000. What a wild situation for him. The last two years, this fucking guy has been a SoundCloud rapper. Since getting healthy, he has scored 3 TDs over the past two games. Those three touchdowns are the most he's had in a season since 2020. Not sure I would have expected Waller to start in a lineup this season, especially as a FLEX - not even a TE, and to be started over Kelce and Brian Thomas Jr.

Honorable Mention

Nathan, Justin Fields - 30.92pts

Hand up, I'll continue to be a man of honor. When most people would run and hide from the flurry of hate after a bad loss, the Commish will stand his ground. Did I lose to a team that started Justin Fields? Yes. But, to be fair, Fields was trash until the Cowboys' defense just gave up in the last eight minutes of the game. Another reason to hate the Cowboys. Nathan had a handful of QBs to choose from; selecting Fields was a... choice. But it paid off. No excuses from me, though, an L is an L. Just remember who still looks up to in the standings.

BLUNDER OF THE WEEK

Cheeno, AJ Brown - 9.30pts

Look, do I enjoy doing this every week? No, of course not. But it just happens that whenever Cheeno loses by a point, the finger of blame falls on AJB. For the fourth time in five weeks, AJB has not broken into double-digit points. Obviously, AJB's lack of production isn't Cheeno's fault. It wouldn't even be fair to say that Cheeno over-drafted AJB. You're looking at the worst possible situation for a Top-10 WR to be in. A guy that plays 90%+ of snaps, top-20 in targets, but he and the QB are not on the same page. AJB has seemingly stopped giving a shit, and Jalen is just throwing shit balls to him.

Impossible situation for Cheeno right now. How does Cheeno trust a guy (AJB) who doesn't trust a guy (Jalen) who doesn't trust a guy (AJB)? Lose-lose for everyone, except for the Eagles, who are 20-2 in their last 22.

GAME-CHANGING PLAY OF THE WEEK

The Phantom Timeout

Back with yet another game-changing play of the week, where Cheeno loses. And while I could pull 50 different videos where a 2pt swing is possible, this one is probably the one you hate to look back at. In case you missed the London game, the Vikings and Browns came down to a Hail Mary, or what could have been. Should Kevin O'Connell not have called the timeout, which was clearly whistled after the snap, the interception would have stood and Cheeno would get the 2pts, therefore would have won.

THE LEAGUE POWER RANKINGS Video Edition

1) Goodell 2.0:

Nightmares crush dreams.

2) LBJ = GOAT ▲1:

The two-time making moves.

3) Me & Mahomies ▼1:

When both the Chiefs and the Fantasy team lose, but still in a good spot.

4) PAC 2 Champion:

Top of the North got him feeling like...

5) El Cap:

Still labeled as Pretender instead of Contender.

6) Meat Log ▲1:

Looking back at round one of draft day like...

7) Aiyuken ▼1:

No such thing as unlucky...

8) Footsteps Falco:

The blame game.

9) Mile High Magic:

Keeping it a buck.

10) Romo's Reckoning:

Caleb and Rome sum this team up...

MATCH-UP FOR WEEK 6

Jared (5-5) vs Probst (4-6)

A great North vs South matchup this week. These two boys bonded when a shirtless and slightly banged-up Probst serenaded Jared to the tune of "Baby One More Time" by Britney Spears. This week, they match up in a crucial spot to stay in the current playoff race. Best of luck, gents.

Week 6 Predictions

Commish went 3-2 in week five, overall 12-8.

Commish vs. Nick: Commish

Jons vs. Ryan: Ryan

Spencer vs. Nathan: Spencer Jared vs. Probst: Jared Cheeno vs. Worzie: Worzie

WEEK 6 WEEKLY PAYOUT

Best Loser - Team that loses their weekly matchup with the highest point total

Our first North vs South Week of the year! While the Rivalry Week does not come until week 9, this is a chance for the North to catch up in the win column. Early prediction: The winner of this week's payout will come from Cheeno vs. Worzie. Rooting for Cheeno here. Not only do I need the South to take some L's, but I am also afraid of seeing Cheeno lose by less than a couple of points again.

Friendly reminder that mid-season awards come out after week 7. It's not too late to change the narrative - for some of you.

Good luck to everyone in week 6, except you, Nick. Any hope of your season being alive ends this week.