Annual Pre-Draft Update

HEEEEEE'S BACKKKKKKKK!

For those who don't remember, last year ended with my incarceration, and since then, I'm a changed man. When you're locked up, the outside world seems so massive while the confines of your cell seem so small. Life's little problems don't seem big anymore... like my private jet being 30 minutes late from Van Nuys to Cabo, which caused me to miss the tail end of the complimentary happy hour at my five-star resort. Normally, I would fire my Pilot and Exec. Asst for that. Being a changed man, though? Not only did I fire them, I dropped their asses off at the nearest ICE center and had them deported. You think this is a fucking game? Welcome to the fucking show. Your commish is back and better than ever.

As I write this, my team is finishing a contract to put our league back on the map. We are in the process of signing a deal with a new streaming service. Will fans hate paying for another streaming service? Yeah, of course. Will they pay for it? Yeah, of course. Does this mean we can pay our players and staff more? No. It's all about the bottom line. Do you know how expensive it is to fly this private jet back and forth to all these conferences at exclusive resorts? Of course you don't. Call me Mr. Worldwide because year nine of the league is about to go down, and I'm yelling Timber.

So, without further ado, let's get right into this shit.

KEEPERS

A reminder that keepers are due by Sunday at 12pm. We call that noon for some of you who don't understand how time works. Where can you find your keepers? Right in the Sleeper mobile app. But because I don't want to chase people down, here is the list of potential keepers below. I highlighted the projected keepers for everyone.

Asst. to the Commish, Cheeno put this together, I don't take responsibility for any mistakes.

SCORING CHANGES

Much research was done on a major scoring change, althought I have decided to hold off for that change this year. I wanted to get the league's feedback on it, but let's be honest, this is my league and your opinion doesn't matter. I will say it again, your voice is your dues, and for some reason, money keeps coming in. They say mo' money mo' problems and I got 99 problems but league members continuing to play year after year ain't one. So what is changing? Defensive scoring. No questions after I explain this, because you're not going to understand it regardless.

Currently, our defensive scoring is based on 'Points Allowed' by tiers 1-6, 7-13, 14-20, and so on. The more points your defense allows, the fewer points you get.

We are switching to where your defense will start with 11 points, and for each point allowed, you will lose a .5 point. Why 11 points, you ask? Because the average NFL defense allows roughly 22 points per game. If your defense is better than average and they only allow 14 points, you'd only lose 7 points from the original 11 points and be +4 points for the week. Vice versa if your defense sucks.

Does this really change much? No. So why do it? Because I can, stop asking questions. Thanks.

2025 WEEKLY PAYOUTS

WEEK 1: MVP - Team with the single highest scoring starter

WEEK 2: Sweet 16 - Team with any starting TE that finished closest to 16 total points (over or

under)

WEEK 3: Chicks Dig the Long Ball - Team with the QB with the longest pass

WEEK 4: The Bye Week - Team that wins with the biggest points margin of victory

WEEK 5: Right on the Money - Team closest to their projected point total (over OR under)

WEEK 6: Best Loser - Team that loses their weekly matchup with the highest point total

WEEK 7: North vs South Rivalry Week - Team that scores the highest points in their division AND wins their weekly matchup. Pays $20 to both the North and South team

WEEK 8: Blackjack - Team with a starter closest to 21 points without going over

WEEK 9: Run Forrest Run! - Team with the RB with the most combined rushing and receiving yards

WEEK 10: Pursuit Drill - Team that has the defense with the most combined interceptions, fumbles and sacks

WEEK 11: Touchdown Jerry Rice! - The team with the most offensive touchdowns scored

WEEK 12: Over Achiever - Team with most points over their weekly projection

WEEK 13: Gotta Catch ‘Em All - Team with the starting WR with the most receptions

WEEK 14: Photo Finish - Team that beats its opponent by the smallest margin of victory

Should there be any ties, the people who tied can agree to split the cash or find a different way to declare a winner.

Draft day is coming up! Tuesday at 8:30pm. I fly out of LAX Tuesday morning and will be landing at roughly 8:15pm, I plan on being there for round 1.

I look forward to doing my annual draft recap where I correctly guess who will outperform their ADP and which draft picks were terrible choices, like last year when Cheeno drafted Marvin Harrison Jr. in the first round. Bolt up, bitches.